3 Things that I Learned From Doing My Daughters’ Hair

No other fatherly task intimidates me more than doing my girl’s hair.

I’m a decent cook, teacher, bedtime storyteller, and card gamer. I’m even good at giving my girls pedicures and manicures. But doing my girl’s hair is my kryptonite.

I have two young girls, ages nine and five years old. They are both budding fashionistas who are quite familiar with the latest trends and styles. Sometimes this knowledge creates a little added pressure on this single dad. At the same time, I want to find ways to be a part of the many stages in their development.

In an effort to develop my skills in the area of hair-care, I have elected to learn more hands-on, rather than always utilizing a hairdresser. However, I knew I couldn’t do this on my own.

Thankfully, I’m blessed to have friends who have come to my rescue, when in need of assistance. They’ll remind me, “When in doubt, Kelvin, it all goes in one and BOOM!” Oh, the timeless ponytail trick, it’ll never go out of style.

Through this process of learning, I’ve had my share of mishaps. I’ve messed up when attempting to wash their hair and even while trying to create something stylish. I’ve also gotten flustered during the morning rush hour while getting them ready for school. The struggle with black, African hair is real!

One day, during the earlier stages of my single dad journey, I cried out, “Lord, I have no clue how to fix their hair. Please help!”

Through the trials and the errors, I’ve grown and learned, even more than I had originally expected. Here are three things that I’m reminded of, as I navigate the world of hair-care with my daughters:

1. There’s no perfect parent.

Give up the idea because it doesn’t exist. We are all flawed human beings despite our best efforts. Release and forgive yourself from those unrealistic expectations. Our role as fathers and mothers is to lead by example, not by expertise. I may never create the best up-do, or the tightest ponytail. After all, some of us may never be the best chef, gamer, tech gurus, social media experts, coach, troop leader, to name a few. Instead, learn what you can, give it your best, and don’t stress over your imperfections and shortcomings.

2. Our children are more gracious than we think.

I’m not good at this hair thing. I know it, and my girls are just as aware of this fact. But they absolutely love it when I do their hair, and you can see the pride and joy on their faces. Remember that your children will feel the same way because you cared and gave it your best.

3. Use the moment to speak into your child’s life.

The time we spend together is what truly matters and not always the task. Doing their hair is more than just hair-care, it’s also about affirming them, and helping to create a healthy bond in our father-daughter relationship. We share. We reflect. We laugh. We connect. We grow.

And then I look at each of my daughters and say, “You are so beautiful, smart, loving, strong... I like you, baby girl.”

In the end, their hair may not be the picture of parental perfection, however, they’ve been filled with affirming words that will continue to build their self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence. They will grow knowing that their lives have value and purpose.

It’s OK if you’re not good at a certain traditional parenting task. Breathe. Give yourself grace. The tasks are always secondary to how we make our children feel in the moment. So show up and gift your child your presence. Give them your love, time, and encouragement. Those are the simple things that will end up having an even greater impact on their lives.

Pastor, do you cook?

I was on my way out of the church today when a deacon approached me and asked, “Pastor, do you cook?”

“I sure do, I have four kiddos!” I responded. “I’m no chef but I better know how to do something in the kitchen. We need to eat!”

He was curious and meant well. But the whole conversation was random and funny. We laughed and laughed and laughed some more. It’s uncommon for another dude to ask about my culinary skills in public.

Since then, I have a few thoughts to share on the topic here:

• It’s comforting to know that cooking is not a requirement for fatherhood. It’s ok if you are not an iron chef who can throw down in the kitchen. It’s ok dudes, you still get to keep your man card.

• I’m grateful to my mom and the other mother figures for teaching me the basics. It’s helped me stay alive (literally) over the years and now as a single dad caring for my children.

• I’m also grateful for all of the online recipe resources, especially YouTube. They are golden! I enjoy eating or ordering out when life gets crazy or if I feel lazy.

• I prefer homemade meals because it’s sometimes cheaper, more flavorful and much healthier. You know what’s in your food when you cooked it yourself. Period.

• I also like cooking meals at home because it’s a great opportunity to bond with my children when I get all four of them involved. This can be messy, time-consuming and nerve-wracking. But it’s super fun and definitely memorable.

• Last, cooking my own meals help break the stereotypes and models to my boys that guys belong in the kitchen too. I want them (in addition to my girls) to grow up equipped to care for themselves. It’s an empowering skill.

I’m no exception, guys can cook.

I know many brothers who can handle themselves in the kitchen. Shout out to my boy Emon and @chefcooldre! If you are a dude and can do something in the kitchen, leave a comment below. Ladies, if you have a man who can — leave a comment, too!